Modd...About Me Prt. 2
T was seated by herself in the courtyard of the hostel and I just thought I’d stop over thinking and go say hello. She said hello back and we ended up talking like we were never apart. At that time, I was in my first serious relationship with a guy but I was already thinking of ending it because it wasn't really working for me, emotionally and in other ways that mattered. For me, I thought maybe I just hadn’t found that guy yet that would set my emotions on a high and feel the way I felt with my girl-crushes. T had the same story so there wasn’t much to talk in that department. However I could have sworn she wanted to say something else but was holding back.
The power had gone out in the hostel and it was so dark that we had to feel our way to my room. We walked hand in hand and talked about other stuff on our way. We walked slower and slower, both of us not wanting to say good night. We stopped halfway to my room and she came close to me. I was intrigued and at the same time I liked the feel of her close. It reminded me of how nice it felt when we cuddled back in secondary school. Only this time I wanted more from her. But what exactly did I want? I didn't quite know.
Then out of the blue, she said, “I’m gay”, and paused, trying to read my face, which was almost impossible in the dark. I was total Zen on the outside, not counting the goofy smile that had broken out on the inside of me. I was both happy for her and excited for myself but I tried to play it cool and not make it about me. This was her coming out to me and she had the floor, so I listened. We were sixteen years old.
A few weeks after that, we had a sleepover at hers and she kissed me. It was just as great as I imagined it would be. However, I didn't think I was 'gay'. I convinced myself that I was that way just for T. So, I got into another relationship with a guy hoping it would be the one that felt just as good. Unfortunately, I struggled to get that connection both emotionally and physically. It was over within a couple of months, just like the ones before it.
When the next relationship didn’t work out again, I gave up trying with guys and devoted my time to T. Our relationship became official and only then was I really happy. It came effortlessly, and I finally understood what it meant not being able to keep your hands off your partner! Even though it was great, we were not without our own issues as is any relationship.
One thing that always cast a shadow over the relationship was the rightness of it all as Christians, plus T had some internalized homophobia regardless of her orientation. One minute we were happy, the next minute the guilt of it all would hit. T would go through some horrible mood swings and internal battles that would totally wreck the relationship for a few days and it would take us some time to get back on track again.
It happened a lot and it finally put a strain on the relationship and brought it to breaking point. She said she couldn’t take the guilt anymore, I couldn’t take the mood swings and I saw the toll it was taking on her, so we decided to end it. My heart broke. We remained friends mainly because we both wanted to be around each other. This was in our final year in University. Within that time, we both got into relationships with guys and still kept in touch.
About a year into her relationship, she said it was finally bearable and she had started to love him in her own way. Well, that didn’t quite happen for me and a year and the half into my relationship, I ended it. It didn’t feel fair to string him along when I knew it wasn’t getting any better. I hated him for making me feel inadequate and unable to love him or want him.
Fast forward to the present, her boyfriend sends me a message saying he wants to propose and I’m going to help him get info from her on what type of ring she’d want, “since I’m her best friend”. I fake the excitement and tell him I’ll sort him out. It doesn’t get any more awkward than helping your ex-girlfriend, whom you’re still in love with, pick an engagement ring.
She’s not thrilled about the coming engagement and dreads being married to a guy, but what choice is there in this part of the world? The odds have always been stacked up against LGBT people in this country. A friend once told me point blank that that’s just the way it has to be - get married to a nice guy and try to live through it. Have lesbian relationships on the side if you must, but be very discreet.
It’s a depressing thought. I don’t want to imagine that is what my life is going to be. I would like to be able to introduce people to my girlfriend or wife without getting looks of disapproval.
Funny thing is through all this I had never really come out to myself. I never saw what the essence was to do this. I always used to think, "I know I'm lesbian, and I set off people’s gaydar all the time, so why go through the whole 'coming out' process?" Ironically though, there was another part of me that kept holding on to the hope that I could find the right guy and it would all be great and normal.
But recently I decided to strip away a lot of emotional baggage, forget all stereotypes and stop second guessing myself. I love women. I love them for their minds and I love them for their bodies. After I came out to myself, I felt lighter; like I was finally taking control of my life. Great feeling…
I am yet to come out to family and friends. I am of the opinion that I don’t necessarily need to but I feel like in order to move on with life, it just might be what the doctor ordered. Who knows.
The power had gone out in the hostel and it was so dark that we had to feel our way to my room. We walked hand in hand and talked about other stuff on our way. We walked slower and slower, both of us not wanting to say good night. We stopped halfway to my room and she came close to me. I was intrigued and at the same time I liked the feel of her close. It reminded me of how nice it felt when we cuddled back in secondary school. Only this time I wanted more from her. But what exactly did I want? I didn't quite know.
Then out of the blue, she said, “I’m gay”, and paused, trying to read my face, which was almost impossible in the dark. I was total Zen on the outside, not counting the goofy smile that had broken out on the inside of me. I was both happy for her and excited for myself but I tried to play it cool and not make it about me. This was her coming out to me and she had the floor, so I listened. We were sixteen years old.
A few weeks after that, we had a sleepover at hers and she kissed me. It was just as great as I imagined it would be. However, I didn't think I was 'gay'. I convinced myself that I was that way just for T. So, I got into another relationship with a guy hoping it would be the one that felt just as good. Unfortunately, I struggled to get that connection both emotionally and physically. It was over within a couple of months, just like the ones before it.
When the next relationship didn’t work out again, I gave up trying with guys and devoted my time to T. Our relationship became official and only then was I really happy. It came effortlessly, and I finally understood what it meant not being able to keep your hands off your partner! Even though it was great, we were not without our own issues as is any relationship.
One thing that always cast a shadow over the relationship was the rightness of it all as Christians, plus T had some internalized homophobia regardless of her orientation. One minute we were happy, the next minute the guilt of it all would hit. T would go through some horrible mood swings and internal battles that would totally wreck the relationship for a few days and it would take us some time to get back on track again.
It happened a lot and it finally put a strain on the relationship and brought it to breaking point. She said she couldn’t take the guilt anymore, I couldn’t take the mood swings and I saw the toll it was taking on her, so we decided to end it. My heart broke. We remained friends mainly because we both wanted to be around each other. This was in our final year in University. Within that time, we both got into relationships with guys and still kept in touch.
About a year into her relationship, she said it was finally bearable and she had started to love him in her own way. Well, that didn’t quite happen for me and a year and the half into my relationship, I ended it. It didn’t feel fair to string him along when I knew it wasn’t getting any better. I hated him for making me feel inadequate and unable to love him or want him.
Fast forward to the present, her boyfriend sends me a message saying he wants to propose and I’m going to help him get info from her on what type of ring she’d want, “since I’m her best friend”. I fake the excitement and tell him I’ll sort him out. It doesn’t get any more awkward than helping your ex-girlfriend, whom you’re still in love with, pick an engagement ring.
She’s not thrilled about the coming engagement and dreads being married to a guy, but what choice is there in this part of the world? The odds have always been stacked up against LGBT people in this country. A friend once told me point blank that that’s just the way it has to be - get married to a nice guy and try to live through it. Have lesbian relationships on the side if you must, but be very discreet.
It’s a depressing thought. I don’t want to imagine that is what my life is going to be. I would like to be able to introduce people to my girlfriend or wife without getting looks of disapproval.
Funny thing is through all this I had never really come out to myself. I never saw what the essence was to do this. I always used to think, "I know I'm lesbian, and I set off people’s gaydar all the time, so why go through the whole 'coming out' process?" Ironically though, there was another part of me that kept holding on to the hope that I could find the right guy and it would all be great and normal.
But recently I decided to strip away a lot of emotional baggage, forget all stereotypes and stop second guessing myself. I love women. I love them for their minds and I love them for their bodies. After I came out to myself, I felt lighter; like I was finally taking control of my life. Great feeling…
I am yet to come out to family and friends. I am of the opinion that I don’t necessarily need to but I feel like in order to move on with life, it just might be what the doctor ordered. Who knows.
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