Modd… About Me

Hello, I am Modd and I love women, here is my story…

My dad doted on me, I could do no wrong. If we needed something from my dad, my siblings pushed me forward. They would stay by the corner of his bedroom door, knock and push me in. I was their secret weapon; my dad never suspected a thing (or did he?).

During my younger years, I never felt any different or questioned my attraction to boys or girls. I was the quiet, shy type when I was in school. I had a few crushes on some boys in primary school, but I had a friend in primary school called A. She could do no wrong in my eyes. I got her anything she wanted as long as it was within my childish powers. Needless to say, she took advantage of that. Imagine my hurt when she said she wasn’t going to play with me anymore and went to hang with the mean girls. But I toughened up and decided I was better off on my own anyway. I rode solo till the end of primary school and eventually became a loner. 

I got to secondary school still a loner, but somewhere along the line I found myself part of a group of friends and my social life picked up. It was an all-girl school, really enjoyable contrary to what most people think of all-girl schools. We had our share of gossips and scandals - who did what and who was dating what boy in what school. Girls seemed to grow gaga when boys came into school for any reason; and I found it strange. Maybe it was because I hung out with my brother and his friends so much, seeing a boy in the school premises wasn’t such a big deal for me, I guess. My first secondary-school crush was on my brother’s friend, he seemed cute enough. Feelings were mutual so we proceeded to call it a relationship. I was in Form two then. We spoke a few times on the phone after that but I got bored and it just sort of faded after a few weeks. It got me thinking, “hmmm, that’s what a relationship is all about? Is that it?” So, what were all those senior girls in school so excited about?

Then a new girl came to school, same set as me and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I was so drawn to her that I still cannot find the words to describe it, over a decade later. It overshadowed anything I’d ever felt for anyone up until that point. I wasn’t myself around her, I got tongue-tied, which was strange because by this time I had become the cheeky one in my clique. I would catch myself staring at her a couple of times. Well, I would more than stare. It was more like gawking. I hated passing by her class because my heart would be pounding like it wanted to jump out of my chest. So solution: avoid her, her class and everything until you can figure this out, I said to myself.  We were in Form four at the time and I had just moved to boarding house which didn’t help matters as it meant you had to be around your mates A LOT. Fast forward to vacation sometime after form five, it was customary for the school to send all form five students on a “cultural awareness” program. Two weeks of staying in a selected town in Nigeria to familiarize ourselves with the culture of the land. It was during this period that I officially 'met' T.

She sat on the bunk in front of me and said hello, I said hello back. She was a really hyper type, playful and just plain adorable. I didn’t have my usual friends with me so I stuck with her throughout the program and we became really close. I couldn’t wait to tell my friends about her and introduce them to her. 

We were inseparable, literally. Even when we sat in a group of friends, I had to sit beside her. Sleepovers at her dorm became a norm. My friends would tease me that I finally had a best friend. Well, I didn’t know what else it could be or why I felt so strongly about a girl so I just thought that had to be it - best friends! I thought everyone who had best friends felt that way…

A lot of things happened along the way; make ups and break ups. Eventually, at university we drifted apart; didn’t talk for almost the whole of our first year. Fast forward to middle of our second year, we were staying in the same hostel; so, I would see her really often. I didn’t know what to do to take us back to how we were so I just loved her from a distance. Then one night, it all changed…