The Girl I Married...

I met Pookie on Twitter. Her smile captured my heart and her beauty made me weak in the knees. There was no way I was just going to ignore her, so I sent her a message, and we got talking. Pookie worked as a Customer Service Representative at Bank of America in Atlanta, Georgia. When I heard her voice for the first time, I knew I was hooked. It is the kind of voice that’s capable of soothing the most worrisome mind. About two months later, we met physically for the first time. :) 

Pookie was out to her friends and family. Her relationship with them was never affected by her being lesbian. They simply accepted and loved her regardless. It was quite surprising that her family, a very Christian African-American family, never allowed their daughters sexual orientation affect their perception of her. She took me home and introduced me to her mother, who welcomed me with a smile and open arms. It was a delight and very refreshing. I met her grandparents, we attended family barbecues, and I even followed her to church! Everywhere we went, no one treated us differently. I was miles away from taking anyone home to meet my family…I just came out to them, and I felt free, but my freedom was not anywhere near that which Pookie enjoyed.

Before I met Pookie, I never discussed my sexuality on social media. In fact, I never tweeted, retweeted, or followed anything or anyone that would draw attention to me. I avoided anything that talked about sexuality at all costs, let alone post pictures of myself and another female in a somewhat compromising position. But she was well vast in these sort of things. She proudly identified as #TeamLesbian on her Twitter bio, publicly spoke about her love for me, and was never afraid to mention my name in a tweet so people knew exactly who she was talking about. All this was strange to me…and at the same time very sweet.

One afternoon, we went to our favourite restaurant in midtown Atlanta, and while we waited for our meal to arrive, Pookie took a picture of us kissing. She posted it on Twitter and tagged me. My heart trembled. I was very afraid and excited, but I did not speak of my fear. How could I risk sounding like a coward? She would have found it strange that I could not publicly talk about the person I was in love with. As soon as she hit the “post” button, I felt a lump in stomach. Had I voiced my concern, she probably would have never put up that picture, but since I acted like it was fine, she did.

The next day, while we watched TV at home, I received a message from my cousin, Jae. My worst fear had come true. Jae saw the picture. Shit! Apparently, someone sent it to her. I had not yet come out to Jae, but this just outed me. She expressed worry about me exposing myself on social media, and said I could just “do my thing” in private. The deed was already done. The picture was posted and there was nothing I could do. So, I thanked Jae for her concern and ended the conversation. I cannot say it wasn't awkward.  

As the famous picture made the rounds back in Nigeria, and Pookie continued to refer to me as “her wife” on social media, I began receiving news about myself that I wasn't even aware of! First, it was that I married a white girl. Then it was that I was completely disowned by my whole family and was destitute, roaming the streets of America. Pookie suddenly had a lot of Nigerian followers on Twitter; interested in keeping tabs on our supposed marriage. I could not figure out where this white girl story came from. I mean, Pookie is very light skinned, but she can hardly be mistaken for a caucasian girl. Plus, we never got married.

People always ask me how it feels to be out. At the beginning, I was scared and not really clear on what it means to be out. I discovered an intriguing LGBT world I never knew existed and realised just how ignorant I was about the LGBT community.  I started learning the vocabulary and how to identify. One of my biggest lessons is that there is a big difference between sexual orientation and sexual preference; terms many people use interchangeably without realising they have different connotations. I was also dealing with the fear of negative reactions. Whenever someone would talk to me about sexuality, my heart would skip a beat, and since I assumed it was going to be negative, I immediately became defensive. As time went on, and I became more comfortable with myself, I started to relax, allowing meaningful conversations ensue. 

Perhaps, Jae had my best interest at heart. Her “fear” is an example of shaming and silent homophobia. LGBT people constantly experience this - they say to us “do not speak of your sexuality in public because it can be used against you”. But even if you do not speak about it, it can still be used against you. This “concern” is really about the other person, not about you. It’s about them and their discomfort with homosexuality. They are worried about how they would be perceived if people knew a person from their family is LGBT. Would she be so “worried” if I were in a heterosexual relationship and posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing? 

That’s why I allowed Pookie post that picture…