My Journey to Self Discovery...

Jayson and I have a unique relationship; nothing like I have with anyone else. 

When I first met Jayson, he was in the seminary training to become a priest. I just arrived America to pursue an undergraduate degree in Business Administration. He was a close friend of my uncle’s family. We had an instant connection. I felt very happy with him. He was warm, welcoming, and always had something positive to say. 

Jayson was very energetic. He did multiple things at the same time, and had ideas he felt could change the world, and make lots of money. I was the same way, and I remember thinking “for someone who wants to be a priest, this guy loves money way too much”. LOL! Any time we were together, we never ran out of things to talk about.

Over the years, we remained very close friends. Then, one day, while I was on vacation in Nigeria, Jayson called and said that he decided to leave the seminary. He told me  he realised priesthood was not for him. He joked about the possibility of having children with me, and how cute they would be. It was a joke, so I laughed it off. I knew Jayson wanted a family and I wondered if priesthood was right for him at all. His decision to leave the seminary did not come as a shock. 

When I returned to the US, Jayson expressed romantic interest in me. Since he was no longer a seminarian, He wanted us to start dating and eventually start a family. I liked Jayson a lot. In fact, I loved him, but not in a romantic way. When I declined, I thought I would lose a friend, but I got something better! Our relationship grew stronger, and I gained a brother, a guardian, a mentor, a teacher, and a saviour.

Shortly after I got married in 2009, I began to question my decision to get married in the first place. The man I married was kind, gentle, soft spoken, a good cook, helped around the house, loved me, and is a good person with a good heart. He never treated me badly. He checked all the boxes of what most people in Nigeria consider “husband material”. My questioning whether I had made the right decision, had nothing to do with his character; it was complicated. I was dealing with multiple things at once. It was the darkest and most difficult period of my life, and the burden was becoming too much to bear alone.

Somehow, Jayson sensed when I was in despair. He would check on me at the exact moment I needed him. One day, he called and said, “My big B( as he calls me), I got this feeling that things are not well. Are you ok?” I could not hold it any longer. I just burst out crying. I was suffering alone for a long time, dealing with so many unanswered questions. Even though we were on the phone, I could feel his heart sink.

I became increasingly depressed, lacking complete interest in things I once enjoyed. I cried a lot, spent a lot of time alone; withdrawn. Lots of questions ran through my mind; why did I not have any sexual desire for the man I married? Why did I always want to be in the company of my female lover? I questioned my faith, and societal expectations. I worried about what people would say. The people I spoke to tried to convince me that what I was going through was nothing to be worried about. They spoke about how challenging marriage was, insinuating that I was getting my own fair share. Some said I had not given the marriage enough time. Others said I would “grow to love him”. All valid points, but all I really wanted was a listening ear. 

Jayson called me every day for months. He did not have to, but he knew I was very disturbed. At a time when no one seemed to understand what I was going through, he just listened without judgement. With compassion, and great love, He cared for me through his phone calls. He asked probing questions, encouraging me to dig beyond the surface, to reach within and to question everything I thought I knew about myself.

After almost a year, I packed my bags and traveled to the US. During my stay, I visited a friend, John, in San Diego, California. John and I had known each other for a long time. John is tall, dark, handsome, and kind. So, it was not out of place that I once had a crush on him, and fantasised about how beautiful our kids would be. We lost touch, though, but recently reconnected through Facebook. I wanted to visit John because it was important to know if I still had romantic feelings for him.

At the same time, I was talking to a girl I really liked. She was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. We talked all the time, and even when I was with John, I found myself wondering about how she was doing, what she was doing, and if she missed talking with me. We planned for me to visit her in Baton Rouge. It would be the first time we would meet each other physically. 

One night, as I lay in bed, John started touching me in ways that suggested he wanted to get intimate. I lay there feeling no desire for him at all, and asking myself why I had no feelings for a guy I believed I liked. I mean, he was right there and he wanted me. So why was I not responding? Why was I thinking about this girl I never met, and wishing I was in her bed instead? He sensed this and left me alone.Then, it hit me! There was nothing wrong with John, or Jayson, or my husband, nor the other male partners I once had. It was all ME. I am a lesbian! Even though I had secret female lovers, one of whom I had dated for eight years, and loved very deeply, I never once considered myself a lesbian. Talk about internalised homophobia and denial…but that is story for another post. 

I left San Diego and flew to Minneapolis to visit Jayson and my uncle. It was a rainy evening, and I just picked up a rental car when Jayson called. He was in his new office, so I drove straight there. When I arrived, I said I had something to tell him. I opened my mouth to talk, but the words could not come out. It was so difficult to tell him that I’m homosexual. I thought this would be easy, I mean, I felt really free with him. Sensing my difficulty, he suggested asking three things and all I had to do was nod my head if he said what I wanted to tell him. Ah! I agreed. I cannot remember the other two things he asked, but his last question was “are you a lesbian?” My heart never pounded so fast. I reluctantly nodded. He smiled and gave me a hug. I started crying. 

In that moment, I knew, without a single doubt, that Jayson loved me. I felt it in its purest form. It was a huge relief! I was afraid that he would react differently, and I just did not know what to expect. He consoled me, and said that he’d always known. I looked at him surprisingly, and asked: “how?” He said he observed it over the years. Then I remembered he asked me before but I had fervently denied, of course, because I had not even realised that I am in fact a lesbian!! 

You see, Jayson knows me better than I know myself. All that time I was questioning my sexuality, he knew I was a lesbian, but he apparently wanted me to come to the realisation by myself. It was only then that I would lovingly embrace that part of me.   

I do not know where I would be had Jason not lovingly stood by me as I walked through my valley of darkness. He saw my light, when all I saw was darkness, and he guided me towards that light until I eventually saw it too.