Cherry and Marcy

My phones rang nonstop. Family members, family friends, well wishers, and even people I did not know were calling to advice me to go back to the marriage. The pressure was on. There is nothing I wasn't told. One of my cousins told me there are many lesbians and gay men in Nigeria who marry straight people and still do their “thing” on the side. Indeed, there are many gay people who do that, and she expected me to be one of such. I looked at my cousin with pity; she had surrendered to the status quo and wanted to me to follow suit.

I needed a break from this kind of rhetoric. It was driving me crazy and I was tired of defending myself; of explaining things to people who were just not thinking in the direction I was. I quickly realised there was no need to try to explain anymore. Our paradigms were very different, and mine was so far removed from theirs that we never made sense to each other. I found myself unconsciously being rude, distancing myself from friends and family, and energetically guarding my space and my heart. But I could not continue in this way. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. I needed a new environment. I needed a new start; a restart. Even though I earned an MBA, I discovered my passion for development work; working with NGO’s to help vulnerable members of society. So, in the fall of 2012, I returned to school for another Masters, but this time it would be in Human Services at the University of Baltimore, Maryland. 

In the days leading up to my departure, Marcy, Asha, and I hung out, talked about many things, and enjoyed some good food and wine. We returned to my house, but before getting out of the car, I told them that I am lesbian, which is the reason I left the marriage and that I just wanted them to know directly from me because I considered them good friends who cared about and loved me. They did not express any shock or surprise. It was almost as if they already knew. But what followed was an uncomfortable silence that felt like forever but actually lasted only about 10 seconds. Then, Asha said “eiyah, it is well”. I was not sure what to make of that. I just smiled and we got out of the car.

My second semester in school was just beginning when President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria quietly signed the Same-Sex Marriage Prohibition Act on January 7th, 2014, twitter went agog! Some tweeted their support for the bill, few sat on the fence, others called for it to be repealed. I watched the whole thing unfold. Some allies did not come as a surprise, others were a delight to discover. What really shocked me was the kind of narrative I was hearing from people I consider my friends! It was an eye opener. Marcy, who I had personally come out to, and I believed supported me, said things I didn't expect her to. 

In high school, Marcy and I were the “trouble makers” of our class. We sat at the back of the class and gossiped about our class mates, teachers, and anything we were interested in. We were roommates with our beds side by side in a room of four. We shared many jokes, we dodged maths class together and laughed at the teachers' inability to catch or stop us. We enjoyed eating hot fried yam before anyone else. These are good memories that remain in my heart, where she will always be regarded as my sister.

During the same-sex marriage debate on twitter, Marcy tweeted saying she has a lesbian friend and she did not want to see her go to jail. I knew she was talking about me, and in some way, I felt good. But in another way, I wondered what that statement really meant. She said she hopes god will bring me back to my senses. Then she said she did not mind gay people, as long as they did not throw it in her face. It was a reality check for me. A wake up call. I was hurt, disappointed, angry, in disbelief, etc. 

Cherry and I became friends over a game of football. She gave me VIP tickets to watch a football match in which Nigeria played to qualify for the African Cup of Nations. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Initially, I had a huge crush on Cherry, and I wanted a romance with her but I learned she is straight as an arrow, so we became friends. I came out to Cherry and her response was “So what?” I could not believe my ears. I was accustomed to receiving negative responses from people I came out to. Naturally, I expected her to preach to me about how I needed to “change” and how I was bound for hell if I did not take steps to recognise Jesus as my lord and saviour. Instead, she was welcoming, warm, and supportive. We talked about many things, including my struggles with my mum, family, and other stuff I was going through. I drew plenty strength from her and we remain good friends till this day.

Homophobia (the “extreme and irrational aversion to homosexuality and homosexual people”) is harmful, no matter how subtle it often appears. Most homophobic statements come from ignorance, others come from plain old bigotry. A person can have an LGBT friend and still be homophobic. Bigotry assumes that everyone is born heterosexual and anything else is an undesirable deviation from the norm. This assumption ignores the fact that people do not choose their sexuality (my straight friends cannot till this day tell me the moment they chose to be straight) and puts undue pressure on the psyche of a homosexual person, which could lead to risky sexual behaviour, drug addiction, and even suicide.

Embedded in Marcy’s tweet is the false notion that homosexuality can be cured; that gay people can somehow pray the gay away. I can see why Marcy would think in this way. Social conditioning is a powerful tool. But sometimes, powerful tools can lead to stereotypes that hurt others. Religious leaders, cultural elders, and our peers perpetuate the illogical and scientifically disproven idea that a persons sexual orientation can be “cured” or “changed”. 

Whether lesbian gay, bisexual, or transgender, people are people, and we have needs, including the need for respect, love and the expression of it. From birth, we are inundated with heterosexuality in various forms; music, art, culture, family, movies, religious institutions, and more recently, social media. Yet, it is never heard that heterosexuality is being thrown in our faces. Telling a person to hide their love for another is tantamount to saying their love is not worthy; not good enough to be displayed; that they should be ashamed of their love. If a person is uncomfortable with the expression of love, they would object to all expressions of love. But the expression of love from same-gender lovers would only be offensive to a person who is generally uncomfortable with homosexuality. Period.  

It hurt to know that  Marcy, a person I consider my friend and sister, held such an opinion about people like me. I quickly realised that I was wrong to expect Marcy to be supportive simply because she is my friend. Marcy and Cherry are good people. Each acted within the limits of their understanding. Both are valuable experiences that re-affirmed a belief Sandra Bullock summarised aptly by saying:

“There is no race, no religion, no class system, no colour, nothing, no sexual orientation that makes us better than anyone else. We are all deserving of love,” - and the expression of it in whichever form.