The Proposal.

When I first joined Exxon, I was excited. I just returned from the U.S. after earning a Master’s degree in Human Services from the University of Baltimore, Maryland. It held promises of being a place where I could learn new skills, meet new people, and be myself in the workplace. I anticipated that I would get a lot of attention during my time there so I wore a ring on my wedding ring finger to keep men at bay. It worked - for the most part.

“Are you married?”, a secretary on our floor asked me.

“No, but I am engaged.”, I replied.

“To a man?”, she asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

My girlfriend gave me that ring. It was a promise ring - a promise that we “belonged” to each other in the hope of tying the knot sometime in the future when we were both ready.

I remember the day she “proposed”. It was the funniest thing. I had never seen her so nervous. She told me she had something for me. I was standing by the mirror admiring my adorable self, but when I sensed some tension in her tone, I paused the admiration and sat next to her on the bed. I had a clue of what was about to happen - but I did not want to kill her joy and spoil the moment. Besides, I was not really sure.

“Close your eyes”, she said.

“Ah, why?,” Are you trying to kill me?”, I asked after a brief chuckle.

“No, mumu. Close your eyes!”, she replied.

“Ok.”

I closed my eyes but nothing happened. After about 10 seconds of smiling sheepishly with my eyes closed, I opened them. She was sitting there looking really tense.

“Ah ah, what is it now?”, I asked with concern.

When she still could not speak, I asked her to send a text instead. She preferred that option, grabbed her phone and started texting. About 3 minutes later, I got the notification on my phone. I never opened anything so fast.

There it was - a BEAUTIFULLY written message of love. After reading it, I replied with a simple “yes”. Then I looked at her and she was holding the ring. She put it on my finger and the rest is HerStory.

I was not engaged to a man. I was not really engaged to my girlfriend either. It was a promise ring of commitment, not for marriage. But how could I have explained this to the nosey secretary who did not even look like she had time for any long explanation? I told her what she wanted to hear, she nodded and went on her way.

I lied to her.

I felt like I betrayed myself. I misrepresented myself and all that I stood for. I felt she saw through me - like, she knew I was lying. I mean, I stood there all suited up in my oxford shoes - I did not look feminine in any way. Frankly, I did not think she cared about whether I was engaged or not. In retrospect, I think she was really asking if I was lesbian.

I went to the bathroom, took a hard long look at myself in the mirror and felt ashamed. I felt really bad. I spoke so much about visibility and openness and this was my opportunity to walk the talk, yet I could not even acknowledge my truth to her. I let myself down and it bothered me for a while.

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Exxon is an American company operating in Nigeria so Nigerians work there. But Exxon has a nondiscrimination policy, where they explicitly state that harassment and discrimination due to real or perceived sexual orientation are prohibited. All staff must abide by this. No one harassed me because I came to work in suits. Instead, I got many compliments even though I never gave them the pleasure of seeing me in a dress or skirt.

The truth is it's not easy to walk in one's truth. The fear of judgment is forever lurking, even after years of being out. Hard as it may be, I still preach the gospel of visibility. I believe in it so much. There is power in knowing. People need to know that lesbian, gay, bi and trans people are part of our society - that we are present and we contribute to its development - just like most people do.  

We need to tell our stories because when we do, we see all that binds us together and realize that we are not so different after all.

I failed when it mattered most, but failure is also a lesson. I forgave myself because I had to move on, but I made a decision to continuously remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, judgment does not matter - only truth does.