Love, Life and Lessons
Cookie and I were in a long distance relationship. I was in Nigeria and she was all the way in the United States. We made it work though. I made frequent travels to the US to visit her and stayed as long as a month at a time to try to make up for lost time. My one-month in America would be exclusively dedicated to spending time with her. To minimize disruptions and maximize our time together, I would rent a furnished apartment in a posh suburb area for the duration of my stay. Other times, when I could not stay as long, I’d make sure we stayed in fancy hotels and we loved it. Other times, we’d take road trips to some of the most exquisite beaches in Florida just to spend the weekend. It was one of the best times of my life. No wonder people thought we had gotten married. We were so in love.
Cookie was an excellent lover. She knew just how to calm the storms that would sometimes rage inside me. She knew all my buttons, and when she pressed them, they worked. Like magic too. Cookie was an excellent kisser. Oh, I enjoyed kissing her so much and I felt as though she and I were one, physically. Before Cookie I had actually believed it was impossible to feel that connected to another human being. She had a good heart, and it shone right through for anyone who cared to see. Cookie was also great in bed. She knew how and when to hit that spot and take me to the Promised Land. Each time, every time.
We were not without our struggles, though. While I was basking in the euphoria of coming out, and also celebrating my newfound freedom, Cookie was dealing with serious stuff. She was struggling with getting and keeping a job. She had heavy financial issues and sometimes, they took a toll on her and affected her mood, which reflected on our relationship. We both loved to travel, but because Cookie could not afford to go to all the nice places, I paid for all our travels. This caused some level of discomfort for her because it made her feel inadequate - like she was not pulling her weight in the relationship. Cookie was a very independent person. She loved to do things herself, and her inability to contribute financially was causing some level of insecurity. Plus, she was dealing with the hurt from a past relationship in which her ex cheated on her.
Cookie wasn’t the only one dealing with personal dilemmas though. I had recently come out to my family and my mother was still struggling to come to terms with my revelation. Having lived with my mum for many years of my life, I developed the ability to preempt her actions, and most times I was spot on. During one of my visits to see Cookie, I lost my twenty-year old cousin to a rare type of Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that causes the body to fight itself as if it were fighting a disease. My other cousins and I had planned to visit our uncle to sympathize with him on the passing of his daughter and I invited Cookie to come along. But when I woke up that morning beside Cookie, I had a nagging feeling my mother would be there even though I had not heard anything from anyone about her travels. As far as I knew, she was in Nigeria, or at least she was supposed to be. But my doubts continued to niggle. And so, having learned to trust my gut over the years, I couldn't risk taking Cookie along with me for the fear that my mother might cause a scene if she was there. But I did not know how to tell Cookie this without making her feel rejected. I needed to go without her and not give her an opportunity to ask why. So out of the blue, I picked a fight with her and stormed out of the house. And I made sure we did not make up that day.
My cousins and I arrived at my uncle’s house. I was behind my cousin, but when I entered, I saw my uncle and other relatives and sympathizers looking gloomy and sad. Then, I looked to the right. My mother was sitting right there on the couch. I shook my head in disbelief, as the Nigerian in me said, “god pass you”. She had a look of disappointment on her face, but I did not know whether that was because we had just lost a family member or because I clearly wasn’t going to give her something to talk about. I also felt some relief, a reaffirmation of the potency of my gut instincts and why I trust them so much. It would have terribly embarrassing had I come along with Cookie and my mother had caused a scene. And I remain a bit suspicious throughout that visit, I mean, why did she not tell me she was coming to the same town she knew I was in?
A few weeks later, I returned to Nigeria thinking Cookie and I were fine. Then one day, she called me and said she could not continue to date me. I was baffled. Nothing had gone so wrong during my stay that would have gotten her to the point of breaking up with me. After all the pretend-fight I had picked with her had been ‘settled’ and we had gone back to normal way before I left her town. “Why?”, I asked her. She said there were a few things that bothered her. Cookie told me she felt bad that I was paying for everything and that made her feel insecure. As if it wasn't enough that I was more financially stable that she was, she also mentioned that I was much more educated and traveled than she was. Apparently, all these made her feel so deeply insecure that she just could not continue in the relationship. While It did not make sense to me at the time, I later understood that her insecurities were real and there was no point in her remaining in the relationship. We broke up.
************************************
Growing up, I wanted to be with someone who took care of me, paid for all my trips abroad, provided money for me to shop with and generally took care of my needs. It was not until I got a little older that I was introduced to the notion of being an independent woman. But I was truly perplexed as to how someone taking care of another could possibly be a source of insecurity.
I read about this in books, and heard personal stories, but they had all been in the context of heterosexual relationships. I never thought the same dynamics would be at play in homosexual relationships too - OUR relationship. So as far as I was concerned, taking care of Cookie was simply my showing her that I loved her, therefore why was she running away from love? I didn’t know how to process it. It didn’t make sense.
I have since grown in age and experience. And I have come to understand a lot more about the psychology of the human being. Being homosexual does not make anyone immune to the dynamics that affect relationships. Being homosexual does not mean one will by default be injected into a lifetime of rosy relationships that have zero drama. The fact is that people are people before they are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, or Straight. And when people interact, the dynamics are the same.
Cookie was an excellent lover. She knew just how to calm the storms that would sometimes rage inside me. She knew all my buttons, and when she pressed them, they worked. Like magic too. Cookie was an excellent kisser. Oh, I enjoyed kissing her so much and I felt as though she and I were one, physically. Before Cookie I had actually believed it was impossible to feel that connected to another human being. She had a good heart, and it shone right through for anyone who cared to see. Cookie was also great in bed. She knew how and when to hit that spot and take me to the Promised Land. Each time, every time.
We were not without our struggles, though. While I was basking in the euphoria of coming out, and also celebrating my newfound freedom, Cookie was dealing with serious stuff. She was struggling with getting and keeping a job. She had heavy financial issues and sometimes, they took a toll on her and affected her mood, which reflected on our relationship. We both loved to travel, but because Cookie could not afford to go to all the nice places, I paid for all our travels. This caused some level of discomfort for her because it made her feel inadequate - like she was not pulling her weight in the relationship. Cookie was a very independent person. She loved to do things herself, and her inability to contribute financially was causing some level of insecurity. Plus, she was dealing with the hurt from a past relationship in which her ex cheated on her.
Cookie wasn’t the only one dealing with personal dilemmas though. I had recently come out to my family and my mother was still struggling to come to terms with my revelation. Having lived with my mum for many years of my life, I developed the ability to preempt her actions, and most times I was spot on. During one of my visits to see Cookie, I lost my twenty-year old cousin to a rare type of Lupus, an autoimmune disorder that causes the body to fight itself as if it were fighting a disease. My other cousins and I had planned to visit our uncle to sympathize with him on the passing of his daughter and I invited Cookie to come along. But when I woke up that morning beside Cookie, I had a nagging feeling my mother would be there even though I had not heard anything from anyone about her travels. As far as I knew, she was in Nigeria, or at least she was supposed to be. But my doubts continued to niggle. And so, having learned to trust my gut over the years, I couldn't risk taking Cookie along with me for the fear that my mother might cause a scene if she was there. But I did not know how to tell Cookie this without making her feel rejected. I needed to go without her and not give her an opportunity to ask why. So out of the blue, I picked a fight with her and stormed out of the house. And I made sure we did not make up that day.
My cousins and I arrived at my uncle’s house. I was behind my cousin, but when I entered, I saw my uncle and other relatives and sympathizers looking gloomy and sad. Then, I looked to the right. My mother was sitting right there on the couch. I shook my head in disbelief, as the Nigerian in me said, “god pass you”. She had a look of disappointment on her face, but I did not know whether that was because we had just lost a family member or because I clearly wasn’t going to give her something to talk about. I also felt some relief, a reaffirmation of the potency of my gut instincts and why I trust them so much. It would have terribly embarrassing had I come along with Cookie and my mother had caused a scene. And I remain a bit suspicious throughout that visit, I mean, why did she not tell me she was coming to the same town she knew I was in?
A few weeks later, I returned to Nigeria thinking Cookie and I were fine. Then one day, she called me and said she could not continue to date me. I was baffled. Nothing had gone so wrong during my stay that would have gotten her to the point of breaking up with me. After all the pretend-fight I had picked with her had been ‘settled’ and we had gone back to normal way before I left her town. “Why?”, I asked her. She said there were a few things that bothered her. Cookie told me she felt bad that I was paying for everything and that made her feel insecure. As if it wasn't enough that I was more financially stable that she was, she also mentioned that I was much more educated and traveled than she was. Apparently, all these made her feel so deeply insecure that she just could not continue in the relationship. While It did not make sense to me at the time, I later understood that her insecurities were real and there was no point in her remaining in the relationship. We broke up.
************************************
Growing up, I wanted to be with someone who took care of me, paid for all my trips abroad, provided money for me to shop with and generally took care of my needs. It was not until I got a little older that I was introduced to the notion of being an independent woman. But I was truly perplexed as to how someone taking care of another could possibly be a source of insecurity.
I read about this in books, and heard personal stories, but they had all been in the context of heterosexual relationships. I never thought the same dynamics would be at play in homosexual relationships too - OUR relationship. So as far as I was concerned, taking care of Cookie was simply my showing her that I loved her, therefore why was she running away from love? I didn’t know how to process it. It didn’t make sense.
I have since grown in age and experience. And I have come to understand a lot more about the psychology of the human being. Being homosexual does not make anyone immune to the dynamics that affect relationships. Being homosexual does not mean one will by default be injected into a lifetime of rosy relationships that have zero drama. The fact is that people are people before they are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, or Straight. And when people interact, the dynamics are the same.
Oh Pamela... .. Behind those beautiful, beautiful eyes....
ReplyDelete"The fact is that people are people before they are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, or Straight. And when people interact, the dynamics are the same."
ReplyDeleteYes Ma'am.
Ah, the breakups where we are broken up with...
ReplyDelete